Went outside for a smoke, after writing a bit at work (working on Providence)... it was cool, slightly breezy, with a sprinkling of rain.

And I finished my clove, and stared upwards at the dark sky. Watching the tiny droplets of water fall on my face and my glasses, feeling the cool wind wafting against me soothingly. Thinking of each droplet of water, separate-- and yet, not-- falling from an immense distance, affected by the wind, gravity, and a million other factors deciding which droplet went where, and which fell down upon me.

Chaos theory, entropy, everything connected. Everything and nothing.

Love.

*shakes head* I'm rambling, I think, but it's hard to take a Concept and fill up meager Words with It.

Was also thinking... it's been a long time, and I don't think I ever got a return email from my OBOD-assigned mentor. I have all the coursework for the Bardic Grade... need to gather it all together from where it's scattered over the house. Even if it's not my Way, it's the closest one that I've found that resonates with me. And in following it, I can learn more about myself, by learning what I agree with and what I do not. So I think once I gather that all up, I'll look through my emails, and if the mentor never did reply, I'll get another one assigned.

Above and beyond that, as a writer, understanding other religions only helps me build better characters, as religion is a prime motivator for many people. As a person, understanding the motivations of other people helps me get along with them better, lets me blend into a society that I am not truly one with.

And I think I need to do something similar with Christianity... not mainstream Christianity, I understand that fully too well, but Christian mysticism. The sister of my heroine in Providence is, apparently, a Celtic Christian mystic. So her book will be similar, and yet, not, to Shiobhan's..

Updated the layout to Flexible Squares... tried to keep the same theme look to it, though it is of course slightly different now.

Courtesy of nonnycat... :)

Many organizations have declarations of faith, describing in detail what they hold to be true and dear in terms of religion. In an effort to explain to others and clarify to myself, I am doing the same.

Pagan:

I am a pagan—as defined by dictionary.com: "One who is not a Christian, Muslim, or Jew, especially a worshiper of a polytheistic religion." I was raised as a Christian, and accepted Jesus as my savior at a young age. After I left my parents house, I was able to grow and learn about other systems of belief, and I no longer walk that path. My parents had insisted that I follow their choices growing up, but when I was finally on my own I was able to look around and realize that their way was not my way. And at the most unexpected of times, the path I still walk today appeared in front of me, and I stepped on it with no hesitation—and with no regrets to date.

Organized Religion:

I do not a member of any organized religion per se. I consider myself an eclectic pagan, in that my beliefs are individual and personal, not upheld in any one specific doctrine but borrowing from many. I do hold dear the beliefs of my ancestors, the Celts, and am strongly influenced by the ways of the ancient druids. (In this regard, I consider the ancient Welsh texts such as The Mabinogion and The Tain to be "sacred"—not that every word is truth, but that they contain holy lessons to be learned and applied to daily life.) In the old days, the term druid referred to three groups of people: bards (who entertained, passed news from place to place, and acted as ambassadors, diplomats, historians, and voices of conscience), ovates (healers), and the druid priests.

I am a member of the UK organization OBOD (Order of Bards, Ovates, and Druids) which is not a religious organization, but one that seeks to apply the principles of druidry to everyday life by philosophy. Note that OBOD is like Buddhism in that it has Christian, Muslim, Jewish, pagan, and atheist members.

Theism:

I believe in the existance of beings greater than humanity. Beings of power and wisdom, with individual characteristics even as humans are individual. Beings which we can but barely begin to understand, try as we might. I believe that they are not all of equal power or stature but vary in strength and area of expertise.

I am a polytheist, in that I believe in the existance of many gods and demigods. Do I know for sure if all the pantheons of old are real? No, but I act as if they were. I respect Bast and Anubis, Artemis and Athena, Odin and Thor, Rhiannon and Epona, Christ, and many others. It is possible that they are all but reflections or aspects of one greater God and Goddess pair as the Wiccans seem to believe… but I do not claim to know that that is the case. If they are but aspects, then I treat each aspect as the individual.

Creationism:

I am a Creationist. I believe that the gods did create this world—and many others. Evolution may or may not explain some of the mechanisms used… but it does not explain the origin of life. If there was a Big Bang, where did the essence used in the Big Bang originate from? There is no definite answer that evolution can provide as to how the basic essense of the universe came into existance, and any honest evolutionary will not try to do so.

Patron:

Though I believe in many gods, I follow (and worship) only one goddess. She is Cerridwen, the Celtic goddess of wisdom, patron of the bards, the Green Lady, consort to Cernunnos, holder of the Cauldron of Rebirth. As I am a Bard, she always made sense to be my personal patron. Not long after I began walking the pagan path, and realized that the role of Druid-- and in particular, Bard-- called to me, I chose her, and dedicated myself to my Lady. She has granted me peace, serenity, and strength in times when I have been in sore need, and I love and cherish Her for it.

Still in progress... will repost later if I update it further. Comments and questions are welcome.

From tarot.com:

36 "Darkening of the Light"



1998-2004 Visionary Networks

When the light goes down, it may be wise to become invisible. The image is
of fresh darkness, the period after the sun has gone down or the fire has
gone out. There is still much activity left over from the light of day,
and movements in the outer world are at their most dangerous. Even the
smallest sound, the faintest glow of light, can attract unwanted
attention.

When the darkness of stupidity reigns, it is best that your own brilliance
stay "hidden under a bushel basket." That is, your thoughts and efforts
should be quiet and self-contained, and protected, as much as possible,
from harmful external influences.

Whatever you do, don't let yourself be swept along on the current of
conventional wisdom when dangerous uncertainties exist. Try not to become
too depressed or anxious; this period will pass. Just endure it for now
and inwardly preserve your self-confidence, while outwardly remaining
cooperative and flexible. The time to assert yourself will come. Avoid
looking too far ahead if you have not yet achieved your goals. That only
brings regret and longing, which can eat away at your inner resources.

Be cautious and reserved. Control yourself. Do not needlessly awaken
dormant forces of opposition. During dark, unsettled periods, it is best
to step gingerly around the sleeping dogs.

Now that I spent the time beefing up my script to be able to post readings easy... I had to use it. Especially with everything going on with the roommate...

( Tarot spread cut for size... )

( cut for length )

Editted with table layout...

This is one of the longest dreams that I can recall in quite some time, and it shows at least the influence of what I've been reading lately (Shadowrun books).

( long dream sequence )

Another weird dream. Dreamed I was a soldier, in an American uniform. We were at war. No clue where, but we captured an enemy conveyance... like a military version of an RV. (Being a dream, of course, there was more room inside than out.)

The enemy soldiers were Russian. I was ordered to kill them. I argued that we should keep them as prisoners until I was told to kill them or I would be killed myself. There was a woman soldier, obviously coupled with one of the men. I was told to kill her first, and I did. And sprayed down the others with bullets until there was no more ammo left in the gun.

Then I requisitioned another weapon (more like a sniper weapon than a M16, but with an underslung grenade launcher) and went inside. Sickened already, I was going to use the launcher, but was told not to-- the explosion could hit our soldiers in the area. There were more people inside... I killed the rest of the soldiers, but there were civilians. I balked at this.... I hadn't signed up to kill civs. Especially not women civs. But again I was ordered, and I shot one of them. The others fled into the other room (there was a wall, but there was a long window set in the wall, like to the kitchen at diners, but this one had glass). My gun started jamming then, so I never did kill the other three remaining women. I tried clearing the gun several times but it kept jamming. I was glad to have an excuse to let them live, even if only for a few minutes more. Something could always happen in that amount of time.




My phone was buzzing with text messages, so when I drifted into half-sleep, I wasn't able to slide back into the dream. It reminded me a lot of the dreams that the Eternal Champion had... for those that have read Michael Moorcock. Not terribly surprising, since I've reread some of them a week or so ago, and I've always felt kinship with Erekose/John Daker/etc.

--Morgan

The first was jumbled. I wasn't really lucid for it, and can't really remember much about it. I was sleeping somewhat restlessly, and when I turned, the dreamscape would shift, breaking down and reforming into something else. Like it melted and ran away while rain brought in a new scene.

The second I was somewhat lucid, but it didn't really seem to matter. The dream kept reabsorbing me. I had an idea of what it was, but forgot this when I started the next dream.

The third was mostly lucid. I was dreaming that I was going over my hosting bill at ICI, a place I previously worked at and hosted my machine Sunrise. I knew that it was a dream, but I wanted to work out whatever issue there was. I worked with someone who was a combination of Burke, Dan, and Rob... looking at a billing printout on VAX paper, the wide-length dot-matrix paper with alternating triple rows of white and green. We talked back and forth to work out the details until I remembered that I had paid off ICI/NAII a long time ago and moved out of their hosting center. That's when I woke up.

I dreamed I was a nurse in a hospital. For some reason the ether nurses thought that my name was Martin rather that Nathan, and it took to the end of the dream to clear that confusion up (including the label on "my" toilet). I was making rounds, checking on people, helping dole out medication, and alse dealing with my eye problems. One of the doctors was interested in my eyes and was studying to determine if he had a course of treatment to help me further, which eld to another operation. Two of the nurses were sitting on a large chest (remniscent of the one adras156 has-- same colors, etc, just longer) and playing cards. They invited me to "the table" but I didn't sit on it due to my weight.

Wierd dream.

The first dream was a short one involving adras156 coming to the ManRay outing tonight with purlav and the others. I thought she was still seeing her ex, and she had stopped by the apartment in advance and said she'd be going to the club after work even though they were spending the weekend together. Was planning to ask if she wanted to take the books she lent me back or if she wanted me to bring them later. Wierd dream.

The second dream was one that I'd had parts of before, and unrelated to reality. I'm in a family, and my father brings me on a trip that I don't want to go on. He brings me to see his side of the family, something that doesn't happen often, because they're afflicted with dwarfism. They value their privacy given the grief that the outside world tends to cause them, and so we go to this run down section of a city to find the entrance to their community. I get the impression that while they welcome him back, there had been some major disagreement with him in the past. Some look up to me as a hero, being a Tall One, which isn't something I'm comfortable with.

My cellphone was going off with alert messages about VESN so I drifted into half-awakeness about then, and then came fully up.